“Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” ~Benjamin Disrael

Feb 12th, Monday around 8:30 am, my doctor’s words, “I am worried about you” were alarming to me.

Have you ever felt something weird/strange is going on in your body? You lose appetite, can’t sleep well, feel heavy in your chest, heart is aching, pains in the body, all the muscles in the mind are strangled, feeling confused, don’t know what to do. Feel like crying or even screaming? Shutting down? Do not know whom to talk to or should you even talk to someone or not? Who will understand your pain?

Your mind is engaged in continuous mental talk. It’s getting worse and claustrophobic. You have family and work responsibilities. It’s getting impacted. You want simply to make it go away. But it doesn’t. It’s just there consuming all that you are. It’s there with every thought. And you replay the past in your mind thinking about what led up to this. What you could have changed? Was it your fault? How do you fix this, blah! blah!!

Yes, this is what I was feeling since past few months and finally decided to take charge of myself.

Let’s travel back for a bit.

Since past many months, I was not feeling well internally. A lot of things were happening. I noticed, but still didn’t pay much attention to it, until it became so severe that I had to go to see the doctor. From Jan 2018, it was getting worse. I started losing my appetite. Even if I ate 1/3 portion of my normal meal, I would feel full. I had no taste. I was just shoving food for the heck of it. I was feeling as though someone had put weights on my chest. Sometimes I would feel pain/ache in my heart. (few times I thought as I’m having a heart attack :)) At times I felt my heart was sinking. My mind was not getting focused. Many times, I had a trail of tears while meditating. I was not able to meditate. There was a havoc in my mind and tug of war within. Sometimes I felt like screaming and telling my brain, “just shut up, enough”. I was not able to take it anymore. It was so draining. I didn’t know what to do, how to handle it. I started praying to God to guide me. I was going insane.

But thanks to my wellness and mindfulness journey, I somehow didn’t let it affect my work and family. I didn’t vent my frustration out on anyone. I kept my compose intact. I didn’t let anyone feel what I am going through. It was like, tornado inside, but calmness at the surface.

Finally, on Feb 12th, at 8:30 am, I went to see the doctor. I am a very healthy person (thanks to my lifestyle) and visit once a year to see the  doctor for my routine medical exam. But this was my 3rd visit in the past 4 months. As I reached, the nurse practitioner did his regular checkup and asked me to wait for the doctor. After a few minutes the doctor showed up. She asked me, “What’s going on?” I told her all I was feeling. She looked at my checkup report and said, “Vanita (my official name) your BP and Pulse rate is low, you have lost eight pounds in last four months and four pounds in this month only.” I was shocked. She asked, if I have changed my diet, I said, “No.” She continued, “Are you going through any stress, anxiety, or depression?” I said, “Nope.” She said, “That’s strange. I have to order few tests to figure out what’s going on, as I am worried about you.” This got me worried. Before leaving, I told her about my heart condition, she ordered to get my EKG done right then and there. She told me to monitor my BP, pulse, and weight regularly. I got all the paperwork regarding my tests and scheduled follow up appointment for March 12th. (In my 23 years in US, I had never gone through so many tests, (as in TB, radiology, endoscopy, colonoscopy, stress master, EKG, genes test, you name it) just to find out what the heck is going on inside my body. 🙂

Anyhow, as I got back from my appointment, my doctor’s words, “I am worried about you.” started echoing in my head.  I started to question myself, “What’s going on with me? Why I am not able to handle it?”. It was frustrating. I got worried. I kept thinking and started digging deeper to find the root. I really wanted to know what’s causing this. Somehow I knew what it is, but I still wanted to confirm. So I kept digging deeper and asked myself. “What’s bothering me? How should I fix it?”

I was in a continuous mental talk. My instinct kept pointing out what it is. I got a loud voice inside, you know what it is, address it, talk it out, acknowledge it, don’t keep it inside. The voice was so loud, that I couldn’t ignore it. I decided to address it.

I follow my instincts most of the time. I am not a logical person, more instinctive.

This is normally what we do: We suppress our emotions and thoughts. Instead of acknowledging and bringing it to the light, we sweep it under the rug or push it in the darkness and try using escapism techniques. We somehow feel safe keeping it inside. Isn’t it?  We all have our own ways of suppression.

From the time that we are children, many of us are told things such as, “Don’t cry,” and “There’s nothing to be sad about.” As a culture we are often taught that we should try to avoid unpleasant emotions at all costs. Thus, for many, the primary impulse when they are experiencing unpleasant emotions is to try to escape from those feelings through alcohol, drugs, restricting food, binging, busyness, compulsive sex or a variety of other self-harming behaviors.

That’s where we are making wrong choices and detouring ourselves towards mental health issues, such as stress, anxiety, and depression. It’s pervasive. We won’t be able to cross the line back, once and if it’s crossed.

Society appears to have become emotionally inept. Showing emotions has somehow become a sign of “weakness.” Grown adults and children alike sitting across from each other seem to have difficulty expressing themselves properly. We have learned to hold things in and suppression has become a societal default. Individuals are often awkward in front of each other when having to deal with emotions. People try to bottle up their emotions, as if it’s somehow wrong to have natural reactions to life.

But sentiments and passion, are a part of being alive and connecting us to each other. I believe that it is far healthier to “lean into” your experiences of pain, rather than trying to numb your emotions.

When you deny yourself the right to be expressive, you can do serious damage not only to your mind and soul, but also to your physical body.

I knew for sure my emotions and thoughts were working against me, and creating this ruckus. Over the period of time, I have learned to bring light to my pain, acknowledging it, feeling it to the core, crying it out, and releasing it from my system, rather than suppressing it. (It helps, trust me.)

Now the question was, whom should I talk to, who can understand me without judging? I reached out two of my friends, whom I could trust. I met one of them the same day. As I started narrating my situation, I could not contain my tears. There was so much pain inside me, and my tears did help to lighten the weight a bit. Next day I called another good friend of mine, who has known me since three decades. I am a very sensitive, caring, and emotional person. I try to fight my own battles, but this battle was getting so wild, I had to involve them as my support. They both advised, “Ruby, you know very well what’s going on and what to do. Just follow your instinct and go for it. This may be a tough choice for you, but you have to keep your wellbeing in focus and decide wisely.” I felt a great relief talking to both of them and did what my instinct guided me to.

To my surprise, within 4 days, I got my appetite back, my pains in the body disappeared, weight from my chest got lifted. I felt like a liberated soul, who had been in chains for so long. In 8-10 days, I gained 2.6 pounds. I could not believe it. I was jumping with happiness, finally I can taste and enjoy my food, my Paranthas, ahhhh, yum. 🙂 My BP, and pulse rate was perfect, I checked it regularly. Now I was waiting for March 12th, my follow up appointment. The day was here, I went to see my doctor. As she entered the room, I could see smile and relief on her face. By now, she got all test reports back. She looked at me and said happily, “Vanita, your reports are perfect, your BP and pulse rate is great. You have gained four pounds back in one month. That’s great. Now tell me, what happened and how did you do this? BTW, I didn’t take any medicine. (Medicines are never my first choice.)

This is what we all do, we keep running like crazy thinking we are adding more value to our family, work, business, or goals etc. But unfortunately we forget to add and invest more value to our own emotional well-being, health, life, and growth to live a balanced, happy, and stress free life. This option, either is not on our list, or sitting at the bottom?

Why being busy is a good label to wear at the cost of our own well-being? Why it’s hard to find time for ourselves? Why it’s good to sacrifice our own happiness to keep others happy?  Why it’s not good to show our emotions? Why it’s selfish to take care of ourselves? Why? There are many similar Whys in this societal setup. All thanks to our conditioning and layers we are covered with.

Time for a Change. Do you want to Live or Suffer? Choice is yours.

The emotions we show outwardly are often suppressed so that we appear more calm, but hiding how we feel, can cause things to happen to our bodies. Hiding how you feel is pretty normal for us, and even more so in other cultures, but what is the health cost of stuffing emotions? This is what I was doing and it did cause some damage to my emotional well being and body. Thank God, I got an awareness and didn’t let myself sink into it for a longer period of time. But how many of us get that awareness, or even if some do, how many try to take charge of themselves? Our emotions are often messengers which signal something important that we need to pay attention to. That’s where practicing Mindfulness comes into picture.

I realized the hard way, “If I am not well, happy, and full of myself (in a good way) internally and externally, how and what will I offer to others and this world?” Just remember this simple rule of life. Trust me, since I started practicing this rule, it has changed a lot of things in and around me. This practice is not logical, it’s experiential.

My doctor referred me to another specialist for a few tests. As I went to see her, she saw my Feb and March reports and asked the same question, how did you do this, what helped you?

Are you also keen to know what did I do? 🙂

Just read Part 2. – Choice is Always Yours 🙂

You all can do it. You have the Power. It’s just a matter of commitment and few changes or decisions you need to make in life. First important question you need to ask yourself, “Am I willing? If yes, those things will help you. Choice is always yours & decision to.

I know for sure, I don’t want life to just pass by me. We are here to live life to the fullest.

Till next time, have a great and blessed life. YOU CAN DO IT.

All of us are in it together, and can get out of it with collective effort, love, and support of each other.

If you have also numbed your emotions, please remember, you are not alone. I, as well as, millions of other people, have numbed away emotions. It’s normal for us to continue to do so, yet let us take courage to be mindful and talk it out.

I see and hear you. My Love and Support is always there for you. 🙂