Am I a star struck? , Not at all. I am not a person who runs behind the stars screaming and sweating to click a pic with them, for my collection. Is there anything wrong in it? Certainly not. That’s just how I am. I have worked with a few Bollywood celebs, spent a good amount of time with them, had a routine conversation and lots of fun while doing their makeup/hair. I did click a few pics with them while working and was really grateful to have that opportunity. I do admire their work in the movies I like and hold a certain sense of respect towards them and their craft. (A person’s humility, genuinity, & energy attracts me, not their external appearance & possessions). But do I really get impressed with their glam world, designer wardrobes, them travelling around the world, having multiple homes in different countries, living a lavish and comfortable life, or being filthy rich? Hmmm, somewhat yes, but mostly NOT. I am always inquisitive to know what their normal life looks like. Are they really happy the way they project themselves in public? What do they think when they are alone? Do they feel lonely sometimes? Do they really know who they are, as in their authentic self? What about their normal family life behind the doors? What is happiness to them and so forth?
Sridevi’s (Bollywood iconic actress) sudden and untimely death was shocking to me like everyone else. As I heard the news, the first thing that came into my mind was, “Oh my God, it’s unbelievable. She was so stunning, an amazing actress, dancer, still young, only 54. She has 2 young daughters, who still needed her nurturing presence and love. How did it all happen? She seemed so happy and healthy. It can’t be true.” All these hows and whys started roaring in my head.
Am I a big fan of her’s? Not really. But no doubt, I loved watching her movies, dances (who can forget Hawa Hawaii ), especially her dialogue delivery in a bubbly manner, innocent face, making funny faces, and comically rolling her big beautiful eyes She was definitely a Diva who possessed all the amazing qualities and according to the world “A Perfect Blend”, was the most beautiful and desirable woman. But was her life perfect, and did she lead a happy and content life, within?
Today 2/27, Tuesday, around 10 am, I came across RGV’s (Ram Gopal Verma, a filmmaker) 2 letters, titled, “My Love Letter To Sridevi’s Fans” and “I Hate God For Killing Sridevi And I Hate Sridevi For Dying.” I read those for a few times to let it sink in.” It was indeed a touching letter. After reading the letter, I felt really sad for her (Sridevi). I knew whatever RGV has written could be very true. That’s what most celebs have encountered in their life. How can we forget Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Silk Smitha and many more? No doubt they were very successful, lived in multi-million dollar houses, got all the money to buy the comforts & luxuries, but alas money couldn’t buy Happiness! The most important factor to live a good life. Those all are material things and temporary. I am not here to judge anyone’s life. I am just using Sridevi’s life as an analogy, as she was a super star and loved by millions. I know if I use some normal person’s life or death as an analogy, no one will bother.
Today I planned my day in a certain way, to finish working on filing my taxes, do some stuff for my non-profit, “Touch A Soul”, sending a few important emails, and trying to finish my book, “The Surrender Experiment.” But after reading RGV’s letters the whole plan changed.
I started watching Sridevi’s interviews with Rajeev Masand and others on YouTube. I watched her many songs, videos about her death and all the speculations related to it. There was so much going on. I kept digging in more and more. But was I really paying attention to her words in those interviews and lyrics in the songs? Nope. I was trying to find out something else. I wanted to feel and know, what is she really feeling inside, deep down, while giving all those interviews.
I wanted to be at a quiet place to spill my thoughts, creating ruckus in my mind. So, I decided to leave my studio soon and drove to a place where no one could disturb me.
A part of me started to nudge me, “Ruby you were supposed to work on your taxes, emails, and so much other important stuff. What have you started doing, stop it, you are just wasting your time.” Another part of me started giving a reminder, “You were working on quieting your mind, remember what Michael Singer said in her book, The Surrender Experiment, don’t let your mind drive your life.” But literally here my mind was driving me in its own direction and somehow, I was okay with it. My mind was rumbling instead of being quiet. I tried to convince that part of me, giving reminders and nudges, “It’s okay, 1 or 2 days delay not going to create any problem in my tax filing. I’ll work on my emails and other important stuff later.” My reminders and nudging part kept showing up now and then, but I continued to persuade it and carried on with my thoughts.
I extended my research on Sridevi. I didn’t want to pay attention to all the masala news, being a home breaker, how many times she got married, how many surgeries she went through, how she died. I was just focused on her face, expressions, and body language. I was trying to find that kid inside her who got lost at the age of 4, the age she started working in the movies as a child artist and then at the age of 12-13 when she was already a heroine.
Didn’t she feel like playing like other kids, going to school, enjoying all the good stuff of childhood? She really lost her childhood, nourishing era, the time when kids need to play, have fun, have no worries, live a carefree life.
What she used to think when she was alone? Did she feel like her soul was all chained up and needed freedom from all the pressures and insecurities she was surrounded with? Did she cry in her quiet moments? Did this all led her to building a wall around her to protect her inner self, that was still a naïve child? I wanted to get into her mind to feel what she had felt from the age of her childhood till death. How someone can possibly say, she was not a happy person? She was a bird in a cage? How making this world happy and giving them so much joy couldn’t make her a happy and satisfied soul? I was literally feeling sad and bad for her. There was a certain sense of empathy. I really wished I could get into her mind to feel all that she had possibly felt throughout her life. (tears ) RIP Sridevi, you’ll be missed deeply.
Now a big question popped up in front of me: What do we need in life to find Real Happiness?
This all stirred up my consciousness. I started questioning myself, “Ruby, are you happy within?” Now there was a queue of questions I started asking & answering myself. My inner self hustled me to keep excavating deeper. Those questions started to squeeze my brain. I really wanted to identify, “Am I really happy?” I just didn’t want to accept shallow answers. Whenever I am not sure about something, I choose to meditate. I decided to meditate for 20-30 minutes, to get some clarity. During the meditation, I asked myself a few times, “Ruby, are you happy within?” Every time I got a gentle smile on my face. I was not convinced. I took a little longer and asked myself again, “Ruby, don’t lie, are your happy, dig down deeper?” This time I found myself giggling with a certain sense of peace. Now I was really persuaded. My inner self can’t be dishonest.
After meditation, I started counting my blessings. I am really blessed in many ways. “Yes, I live in a small home, full of loving, caring, and welcoming energy. It’s my heaven. I do everything being true to myself, with good intentions and honesty. I don’t hurt anyone, hope not. Every night I go to bed in peace and sleep like a baby. My mission is to serve this life. I am living a genuine life, where I don’t need to put up any face or mask. I live life on my own terms, without anyone’s validation. I am not running any race with anyone, except myself. My family and I am enjoying life in our best way. I am a very secure person, in every way. My kids are wonderful, not perfect. My business is so gratifying, serving and spreading joy in so many people’s lives. I am trying to contribute my bit in this world to make it a better place to live in. Everyday me and my family are blessed to see another day, that many and Sridevi unfortunately won’t get to see anymore (tears ) We got food to eat, nice clothes to wear (maybe not designer ). I am not living a life under any pressure. I don’t have a disease to please, that mostly leaves us an unhappy person. I drive a decent car. I got all I need to live a good, & very happy life. We are a content family. We always love to give and help people in need. Health is wealth and we got this wealth in abundance. I am surrounded with handful of friends and family, who are genuinely there to offer their love and support. I really don’t need a crowd to feel the happiness, and so on.”
When God has blessed us with abundance of everything, how can I not be happy within? But do I not face challenges or difficulties in life, sudden jolts in daily routine? Of course, I do. We all do. But isn’t that what Life is all about, a learning process with tests and lessons to learn? This is not the first time I got those questions. But an unexpected blow of Sridevi’s sudden demise was definitely sending me another reminder. This news shook the Bollywood industry and everyone else in the world. I tried to see her as a normal human being and tried to peek into her mind at my level, being a fellow human being. Was it right or not? I don’t know. But it definitely made me realize, what real happiness is. I believe each and every human being deserve to live a happy life. We got only one life. Let’s make the best out of it. Death is a reality and bitter truth, that no one wants to think of and swallow. But don’t you think only someone’s death forced us to think, how well we are living our life? Do we need to make any changes or not? Are we living or dragging life? I find those are the reminders for us to scrutinize within. The rumbling & ruckus somehow quiet my mind to some extent & I found the solace.
I invite you to stir up your consciousness and find out: What real happiness means to you?
It’s a very subjective word. We all draw our own definitions. For some: Happiness can be: having lots of money or multiple businesses, pleasing others, travelling around the world, having all the comforts & luxuries, good health, driving the elite cars, having power, solid bank balance, and so on. That’s fine. But again, ask yourself, Is it a temporary happiness or permanent? Tricky, right? Yes, Life is full of twists, turns, and confusions. Try to find your permanent happiness, get the clarity. If you don’t possess all those material things, will you still be happy within or when you are alone?
This world is full of superficial happiness, everything lies on the surface. Happiness lies within.
If you try to search your soul, you’ll find it for sure.
I leave you with this question, please do try to find your answer.
What does Happiness mean to you or What is your Pursuit of Happiness?
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